How could I forget you?

I was almost ready to go to bed, and I just wanted to check one final thing on my computer. I opened my laptop and my eyes just went over to the little box with flowers painted on top of it that has been sitting on my desk for a few days now. That box contains your ashes. The box is inside a nice and soft transparent bag, like the ones that usually hold gifts. Inside this bag there are a few things that came with the box. A print of your paw that was taken when you already left your small cute body, a tag that says “Holly Ghirardelli” and that reminds me that you were truly my baby, you were truly part of our family. You were not just Holly, you were Holly Ghirardelli.

And then there is a paper bag that contains seeds of flowers. And the name of these flowers is “Forget me not”. It sounds like a warning, it reads like you were there to ask me not to forget you. And how could I ever forget you. It’s impossible.

You have been the second pet I fell in love with. The first one was Botolo, my beautiful dog who stayed with me for so many years during my young age. And then there were you and your brother, George. Don’t tell George, but I always had a weak spot for you. You were the black cat, I chose you because I was too scared someone would have picked you and treated you badly only because people say black cats bring bad luck. You were the cat who was always afraid of everything, but you were never afraid of me. You were the cat who sometimes attacked for weird reasons other people (Simona sometimes, eheh), and that many people could not figure out. But I totally understood you. Yes, sometimes you also got mad at me but more and more I understood that everything was coming from fear. Anytime there was a loud noise, you just got scared, and the way you reacted was to defend yourself from anything that was around you. But I love to think that you also always found a refuge in me, that you always knew nothing bad would have happened if I was there with you. And I so much wanted this to happen for a long time. I so much fought against this cancer, while hoping that we would have found a way to give you many more years of joy. I would have loved to see you grow into an old lady cat, and I hate to think that life decided something different for you and took you when you were still so full of energy and so full of life.

Even a couple of days before that day you were still here, scratching your nails on the scratching post, purring while I was feeding you, looking outside the window in the living room. And one night a few nights ago you did something that you never did again since the surgery: you run upstairs with me when it was time to go to bed, all excited at the idea of eating some more food before falling asleep on the bed with us.

How could I forget you. I will never forget you. Everything about you is stuck in my mind and in my heart. The only thing I am missing now is being able to feel you here with me. This is something that sometimes dreams can give us back…we can feel someone as if they were truly there with us, we can smell them, we can touch them, we can truly feel like we are in the same space and time. Every single night I have gone under the blankets, hoping to dream you. But it has not happened yet, and I am stuck thinking about you during the day, when the power of imagination is weaker, and when it’s more difficult to exclude everything around you and find a way to reconnect with you.

I truly hope you are now in a wonderful place, together with Botolo. And I truly hope, as I have read somewhere, that you will be the first one to come say hi when my time will come.

Now I have to go. I need to be strong to give tons of joyful times to your brother George. I am not sure whether he understands that you are not here with us anymore. Sometimes I feel like he is sad and I am pretty sure that it’s you he is looking for every single night, when he jumps on the bed and waits for something to happen. He is used to have you jump and slap him! Maybe he misses those slaps, as I now miss your meows and the way you were always sleeping so close to me that you were pushing me over the bed every single night.

Good night, my sweet Holly. I hope to meet you tonight in my dreams.

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